It is only five days until the anniversary of Mary's death. The date looms ahead of me now, just over the horizon of the last day in February. I'm putting down some of these thoughts now because even though it happened only a year ago I'm already starting to forget.
Last year we knew she was dying...and things were close by this time. She just had a catheter installed because even getting out of bed to use the toilet right next to it was impossible. She was on oxygen all the time. The doses of pain, anti-nausea, and cough suppressants were larger and she had to take them more frequently.
I had to keep a large piece of poster board in the room so that the medications could be kept track of for the few times I wasn't home to give them to her. Sleep was broken up into 2-4 hour chunks because even though her sister helped some at night, if there was the slightest question or if Mary started to cough or get sick I was woken up to comfort her and make decisions regarding any changes to her meds. I needed the poster board just because changes happened so frequently that I was afraid I would forget to give her something more than worrying that I’d give her too much.
When Mary and I found ourselves alone we would talk. I tried not to cry, so that I could be strong for her, but increasingly I would and she'd be the one comforting me. It just seemed so unfair and I selfishly wondered how I was going to survive without her in my life. I grieved for the tomorrows we'd never share and for the times that I could have been a better husband and wasn't. I also thanked her for making me a better man, and I meant that with all my heart. She would tell me not to worry, that she didn't want me to be alone and that she'd send someone to me. I tried to smile and humor her little realizing that she'd actually follow through on that promise...
Each day would start with me giving her medications and then going out for coffee and to run some errands. I needed time away from the house in order to really grieve and did that while driving in my car. The house was the center of a constant buzz of activity and my grief felt private…like sharing it would make me seem weak and I needed to be strong for everyone. After a couple of hours from the house I would return and Mary’s sister would leave for pretty much the entire day and show back up at around 8-10pm. I’d head to bed after briefing her and would try to sleep but it usually eluded me so I’d end up helping with her midnight meds and then trying to sleep after that.
By this time, Mary was ready to go and wanted to know when it would happen. She had written notes to everyone that she wanted to write, sorted her jewelry for the kids, spoken to each of them and was ready for it to be over before she ended up in a lot of pain that couldn't be helped with medication.
I have more I want to write but just putting this down has been a drain so I think I’ll save it for another day…
I had every intention of working out last night but it didn't happen. I got home and it was pretty cold in the house and that's because the furnace wasn't working. It was serviced two weeks ago but somehow between then and now the nozzle had become clogged. Fortunately, I have a service contract on the furnace so there is no charge to have someone come out at night and get it working.
The down side is that by the time they showed up and finished the work I didn't feel like going out. I ended up watching American Idol with the daughters and calling it an early night. The girls like Blake. I thought he did a good job and also enjoyed the performances given by Chris and Sundance.
I joined The Works and got memberships for Youngest and Middle Daughters too. So far, all I've done is go there and ride a recumbent bicycle. I have my iPod shuffle loaded with workout music and stare at the flat screen TVs as I pedal up simulated hills and work up a sweat.
My shoulder injury is somewhat limiting but I hope to hit the pool soon and at least kick around while supporting myself with a floating noodle. I'm also thinking of giving yoga or tai chi a try and see if I can ease into those without too much pain.
I'd really like to start karate again but jumping back into a black belt class is daunting. The biggest problem is that I have a hard time taking it easy once I'm in that class. I might be in pain, but I'll never stop or quit because that's not what a black belt does. So, for now, it is better to stay away until my shoulder is fixed.
PWGF and I had another fun-filled weekend together. She arrived late Friday afternoon and we soon left the house to join Good Friends Which Have Two Kids for dinner in Portsmouth. It was an enjoyable meal and then dessert with an early ending to the evening. It was bitterly cold and windy downtown and after a long day in the car for PWGF, it was good to get home early and head to bed.
Saturday consisted of lunch at the Olive Garden with Sainted Mother and Baby Sister as well as the Three Princesses. We had a great lunch and then we went our own way. We spent the evening in a nice hotel in Portsmouth and enjoyed an awesome dinner at the Green Monkey.
Sunday morning found us at Colby's to round out our weekend before PWGF had to hit the road and go back home.
The best parts of the entire weekend were the times we spent with each other, just the two of us. We continue to find so much that we have in common and the relationship we're forming leaves us happy and wondering how we were so lucky to find each other.
In this crazy world of grief and loss I was convinced that I'd never find anyone that would mean as much to me as BW.
I was wrong. I love PWGF, she loves me...and it feels so right.
Oldest Daughter just called me from a restaurant. She and Middle Daughter are there and want to order the Sushi that we had the other day. I told her it was spicey tuna but she wanted to order it by the restaurant's name which is Spicey Girl.
I told her that but she didn't understand what I was saying, started to spell girl and asked if that was correct. I told her to look on the menu but that it was spelled G-O-Y-L-E. She repeated the spelling and then said it back to me...spicey goyle. LOLOLOLOL I was cracking up but told her I was laughing because she didn't know how to spell it.
She just called back and when I answered she said, "Daaaaaaaad! That's not how it's spelled!" because, guess what? She finally read the menu!
Sometimes...it is just too easy!
I was thinking about my blog today as it relates to my life. I've been keeping a blog for over four years now which is a pretty good record from a longevity standpoint.
I looked back at the month of February and at times feel like I'm reading about someone else's life.
I've gone from being a married man of over 20 years, that just turned 40, and had four kids living at home back in 2003 to a widower of nearly a year, that just turned 44, has only two kids at home, and has a new love in his life.
I've talked about this with PWGF and she's in agreement with me...we had something awful happen in our lives to get us to this place, but since we're here let's make the best of it.
I had an awesome weekend with PWGF. We celebrated my birthday and Valentine's Day together.
She gave me gifts that were thoughtful, loving, and showed that she listened to me and gave them a lot of thought. One gift that falls into that category is the gift of tickets to see Wicked when it comes to Boston in September! We saw a commercial for that musical on TV and she remembered that I said I really wanted to see that play.
We have a great time when we're with each other and I can't wait to see her again...this weekend, when we celebrate her birthday!
I stopped by to visit Sainted Mother last night at her home. I wanted to drop off a check for her in celebration of Random Acts of Kindness Week. She had recently purchased a hearing aid and it has made a HUGE difference in her life and interactions with us when we visit.
She started to be in her own little world and realized it was because she couldn't hear what was going on around her. Since the hearing aid was costly (around $1500) I gave her $250 to help defray that cost. One note, I'm not mentioning how much it was or what I gave her so you'll think I'm wonderful. It is only so that I have the numbers when trying to remember it 3-4 years from now. LOL
Anyway, I sat down to talk with her a while instead of randomly tossing the check in her direction and walking out the door. We had the following conversation:
Sainted Mother (SM): I don't think you should go to Italy with PWGF.
Me: What?
*side note: This was her conversation starter and came out of nowhere. We were discussing Italy at my birthday a week ago and I mentioned that some day I'd like to go there with PWGF because she's always wanted to go too. Obviously, this has been a bee in SM's bonnet since then. She's probably discussed this ad nauseam with my sisters and had built up a good amount of self-righteous steam.
SM: BW always wanted to go and didn't get to go so you shouldn't take PWGF.
Me: So, I should never go to Italy?
SM: Well, there are tons of other countries that you and PWGF can visit.
Me: Just never Italy?
SM: Well, you can go by yourself or take your mother-in-law.
*side note: Right, my MIL...she meant that I could take her but was trying to be the saintly, only-trying-to-do-the-right-thing mother so she couldn't say that.
Me: *snorting through nose* Yeah, that will happen. I'm certain that BW would be happy that I had someone to go to Italy with and be happy for me.
SM: No, I'm speaking for her and she wouldn't want you to take another woman!
Me: You're speaking for her?
SM: Yes, and she wouldn't want you to go.
Me: I think 25 years of being with someone makes me the expert in all things concerning BW and I'll be the one that decides what she would have wanted.
SM: Well, I'm just saying...blah blah blah
After that I still gave her the check (maybe I'm the saint?) and then went home. I told Middle and Youngest Daughters what happened and they were astonished. They both agreed that Mommy would never want me to make that trip alone and that she'd be thrilled that I could make that trip with someone that means as much to me as PWGF.
Using memories of BW or trying to "channel her" in order to make your point or get your way is not cool. I was married to her for almost 23 years and I've never done that to anyone so what gives someone else license to do that to me? It is the one argument that can be made that hits below the belt and is impossible to fight unless you have a strong sense of yourself and of the one you lost.
Fortunately, I have a strong sense of myself, know what BW was like and what she'd do to make me happy, and the support of my kids. They know that Mommy would be happy for me and they want that for me too.
I bought myself a pair of snowshoes and poles for my birthday. I've always wanted to go snowshoeing and now I've got the equipment and the snow!
I put them on last night for the first time and decided to take a spin around the front and back yards. I had a blast! It was pretty cold, so I didn't stay outside for long. But the time I spent outside walking was a lot of fun. Next time I'll have to wear a hat and either long underwear or snow-pants. It is amazing how quickly you get cold when the temperature drops into the teens.
The kids took me to my favorite restaurant, Radici, for dinner last night. The bartender, Leo, was the front man and he bought me my first drink for my bday so that was cool. Son and Other Son (Son's girlfriend had to work), Oldest Daughter and Boy Toy and His Mother, Middle Daughter, and Youngest Daughter all joined me for dinner and we talked, laughed and had a great time.
I'm trying to wind things up early today so that I can get on the road to visit PWGF. I'm looking forward to an awesome weekend with her!
I thought we were going to get skunked until about 30 minutes ago. We had some snow and accumulation but it was a far cry from the blizzard conditions that have been predicted.
I went out with Middle Daughter to get fuel for my snow thrower and we also laid in some snacks because that's what we do when it snows. It was cold and windy when we were out but not in a blizzard sort of way. That's changing even as I type this entry.
The wind is starting to howl and the increased snowfall streams and swirls by my office window. It is a day to be inside and be grateful for heat and electricity.
It is kind of a funny day for me...I miss BW and because PWGF doesn't live close by I'm missing her too. It is a day to remember my previous sweetheart and to think of the new one in my life. I'm hoping that next year I won't be alone and that PWGF and I will be celebrating today in style.
I am at the customer location today and the walk in from the parking lot is brutal. The building is in the middle of a large open area and nothing stops the wind so it blows right through you. My ears and face were feeling pain, and then quickly went numb, in the 5 minutes it took to walk across the parking lot and make my way inside.
But it is going to SNOW so I don't care!!!
If it is going to be cold, I want to have snow.
For most of our winter we didn't have cold but certainly made up for that over the last month or so. With the cost of heating oil at $2.38/gallon I could have done without the single digit temperatures.
But now, just when we had given up hope, we have a major winter storm in the forecast. In fact, we have a 100% chance of snow starting Tuesday night and going through Wednesday night in the form of a Nor' Easter!
We are under a Winter Storm Watch which means that there's a chance of at least 6 inches of snow! Woohoo!
I didn't get to see PWGF this past weekend. She came down with, and still has, the flu and so having me come out to visit wasn't a good idea.
On the plus side, me and the girls cleaned. It wasn't hard at all to clean after our major cleaning the week before and so I'd like to keep that going.
I bought a new shower curtain and window curtains for the downstairs bathroom, watched season one of Avatar: The Last Airbender, and caught up on my sleep.
So, we talked on the phone, sent each other texts, and now it is only four more wake-ups until I see her again.
The "S" word has come up a lot in recent weeks. When PWGF and I spend time together it is when we're visiting and sleeping at one of our homes and you can only do that long enough before you have to take care of your hunger.
She's not sure if she's ready for "S" and I could have "S" every day because there is so much variety.
The sad thing, for me, is that she's not very enthusiastic when we discuss "S" and seems reluctant to try it with me.
I have my "S" preferences (who doesn't?) and would love to hear about yours.
So, what kind of Sushi would you recommend to someone that hasn't had it before and might be freaked out most by the raw fish component? I'm thinking that anything with broiled eel would be best and also some of the tuna rolls because it isn't really obvious that it is raw fish that you're having.
We had an awesome time at the Justin Timberlake concert with the opening act by Pink. Pink put on a great show and then Justin blew out the house with his. He danced, sang, played piano and guitar, and otherwise wowed the audience.
I was one of about five guys at the concert. The place was packed with teenie boppers that knew every word to every song. PWGF and I still managed to have a great time.
I bought our tickets after they had been on sale for a while but managed to score balcony seats in what ended up being a sold-out concert. We got to the venue, made it to our section, and discovered we were in the last row! The plus side is that nobody was behind us, the bathrooms were right behind our section, and the snack stands didn't have long lines.
We had a fun time watching the concert and being with each other. The drive home was an easy one and we tumbled into bed around 1am. I had to work the next day and PWGF had to return home so we were pretty tired by bedtime last night.
As for our seats...we didn't get nosebleeds.
PWGF and I are heading into Boston tonight to see Justin Timberlake in concert along with Pink as his opening act. We're very excited and I can't wait for work to be done for the day!
The Prince and Princesses, Sainted Mother, and Good Friend and His Lovely Wife all met PWGF this weekend. She dazzled everyone with her beauty, sweetness, and (the most important things to my daughters) that she obviously makes me so happy. :)
I imagine that if someone were to write a book that they would come up with an idea (check!), form an outline (errrr), and then flesh out the outline (ummm).
I'm going to work on ideas for my book by putting down random thoughts as they occur to me in my blog and then see if I have enough mini-ideas around this topic to string together in book or pamphlet form.
All serious writers, or semi-serious wannabes, may commence eye-rolling now. :)
I think I'll break things down into a couple of main sections: how friends can help and how family can help.
But for now...I have to go out and clear the snow from our driveway and do some last minute cleaning and shopping before PWGF shows up!
Here I am in this crazy world. I became a widower and a single father in a single moment of time. I lost my best friend, witness to my life, lover, and the mother to our children.
How does anyone ever get over something like that? Well, the short answer is that you don't ever get over it completely. But you learn to cope and survive. I read a post on a widow bulletin board that summed it up well. The person said that when your spouse dies you may still love them, but it isn't a living and growing love any more.
I was coping and surviving and then someone came into my life. I wasn't sure what that would be like but it wasn't anything like what I imagined. I dated and wondered if I would ever feel that spark that I had with BW. Was it Fate's desire that I only have one love in my life? Would I have lots of friendships and maybe even lovers over the years but never anyone that would have my heart while giving me theirs in return?
And when you find someone how do you know that they're the one and that you're in love? Is it when you talk to them and find their voice sweet, distracting, and always on your mind? Is it when you look into their eyes and realize that you see your love for them reflected back to you?
I think it is when you always want to be with each other because that's when you feel most complete, that's love.
I went to lunch today with Oldest Daughter. I got her to try the spiced tuna sushi and she liked it! I told her that if she liked California Rolls she'd like spiced tuna much more and she did.
I mentioned to her, again, that I was going to see JT and she said, "Hey! That's your second time seeing him!"
When the kids were younger we took them to see an *Nsync concert. The girls were pre-teen teenie-boppers and chased his tour bus when it pulled into the venue. Then OD lamented how they saw them sitting on a bench in Disney World and could have seen them in concert there before they got all popular...and didn't!!! It is a life-long wound.
Having PWGF in my life has made things so much better than it would have been alone. But it isn't just companionship that matters, it is the fact that we understand what is going on in each other's lives and can be supportive when it matters most. The incredible gift of her friendship and love is one that brightens my day and has given me hope.
But, back to the book...
My co-worker mentioned that nobody really knew what to do when BW was sick. People didn't want to intrude and so they ended up doing nothing. She relayed a story about helping someone in her neighborhood and how they decorated her house for Christmas as a surprise for when she returned home after attending her father's funeral.
"THAT!" I said, "Is exactly the type of help that I would have loved having when this all went on with Mary!"
I wanted someone that would have raked the leaves, shoveled the driveway and steps, vacuumed, did the dishes, or any of a multitude of tasks and just did it without being asked, scheduled, or told. Because, really, the hardest thing to do was to ask for help. My life was spinning out of control and I felt like I was barely holding it together. Asking for help was impossibly daunting.
What if I asked someone to help and they couldn't? I didn't want to make someone feel guilty, or put them in an awkward spot, so I didn't. Instead, I did it all and somehow managed to avoid a breakdown...barely.
That's when I said, "I should write a book."
And please believe me when I say that this wasn't meant as a complaint against any of you, my friends. I can see how most of you would have thought the same thing, that all the family that showed up each day was helping me with all those tasks.
Instead, they visited and left dirty dishes, fast food trash, and one time even all the carcasses and butter after a lobster feed that they had while at my house.
I guess they figured the cleaning fairy visited each night and left the house the spotless way they found it when they descended, like locusts, the next day.
July is going to be an awesome month this year with the release of the movie, "Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix" and then followed eight days later by the release of book 7!
I'm going to see Justin Timberlake in concert on February 6th with PWGF.
I don't mind cleaning the bathrooms.
I don't like folding laundry.