We've all had our number key woes
Typing numbers just right keeps us on our toes
And even though you finally can save
The error message brings guilt in a mind-numbing wave
I'm honest, I'm true, I have something to say
I'm not spamming you, that isn't my way
Please let me, oh let me, share my mind
Number key gatekeeper, to me be kind
I know that the blog doth love me
It is spammers that most feel this pain
Once again dear friends into the breach
Comment me, and type those numbers again
So many good things are happening in my life right now. Things are going well with work, my kids are doing great with school and reaching so many milestones, and I have PWGF in my life showing me that my heart is still there and that it is possible to have feelings for someone again.
Now starts the year anniversary of so many events that were the darkest time in my life. BW had surgery and we found out that what they removed was the lung cancer but metastasized to her ribs. She went on a 'fun day out' with her mother and sisters and one of them treated her so poorly that I banned her from our home. She started a new form of chemo, a pill a day, and we were wondering if the side effects were worth it and why she was getting weaker each day.
A year ago we were still hanging on to the hope that she was going to get better. That she'd be there for Princess Middle Daughter and her prom. That she'd be there for all our children's life events and that some day we'd remember when things were so dark and give thanks that we got through it.
This was the beginning of the end. I worked, cleaned, managed her care, and figured that things would be better some day.
Things are better, but it is a life without Mary, and I never saw it coming.
I wrote all this just to say what has become my mantra...
Don't wait to live, really live, and don't assume you'll have tomorrow to say or do what should have been said or done today. If you love someone let them know now because this moment is the only guaranteed one that you'll have.
I can't stop this feeling, deep inside of me*
I decided that I shouldn't talk about the woman that has changed my life as my Pretty Widow Friend any more. I think it is far more appropriate to talk about her as my Pretty Widow Girl Friend and will refer to her as such in all future conversations and posts to this blog.
We enjoyed an awesome weekend in each other's company while eating out, visiting a museum/planetarium, seeing a movie (Epic is anything but and we left about half way through), and spending time getting to know each other better.
PWGF will be coming to this area to visit me this weekend. The Princesses are all looking forward to finally getting to meet her and we may even stop in to visit Sainted Mother too.
So if you see me out and about this weekend in the company of a pretty woman, with a big goofy grin of happiness on my face, I'm in the company of Pretty Widow Girl Friend.
*Hooked on a Feeling - Blue Swede
I've found that I can get used to almost anything. I'm sure that this isn't just a special thing about me, though who can deny my specialness, but something that is universal.
One thing that I'd gotten used to was closing off my feelings. When BW was diagnosed with cancer I had to quickly build some walls because I needed to be there for her. I was surrounded by people that would have spun off into panic and/or despair if I wasn't there providing the voice of calm and reason. BW needed that stability and needed to know that she could have those moments but that I would be there as an anchor back to reality for her.
I lost myself in research, schedules, appointments, prescriptions, and updates to family and friends. I cleaned the house maniacally, worked when everyone else was asleep, and slept only a few hours each night to make it all happen.
And I got used to it.
Mary died.
And suddenly I found grief had joined me behind the walls. It was there before but suddenly it was full blown and let me tell you, it was pretty crowded in there. Grief came in, ate all the snacks, drank all the wine, and then loudly dominated all the conversations.
And I got used to it.
Then, I met Pretty Widow Friend. She's pretty, sweet, nice and she also understands what it is like to lose someone. We laugh together, enjoy being in each other's company, and I feel happier than I have in a long time.
I can get used to this.
ibeejd commented in a recent post that it was so good that my family is supporting me and how it didn't work out so well for a friend in a similar situation.
All the credit for this belongs to Beautiful Wife. When she was diagnosed with cancer, and then ultimately found out that she was going to die, she made sure that I knew she didn't want me to be alone. She was vocal about her wishes and the kids heard many of our conversations.
We've joked and teased about who I was going to date, when I was going to date, and acceptable dating activities. That I was ultimately going to date has never been a big shocker for them.
That all being said my children are wonderful and I've been sure to not take advantage of their desire to see my happy. I went on a handful of first dates that they never knew happened because I didn't think it important to immerse them in the minutiae of the dating life of their dad.
I told them that if it got serious, like bf/gf serious, that I would let them know, and I have.
I visited Pretty Widow Friend this weekend. It is a little bit of a drive but not one that I mind making at all. On the way there I'm all business, gassed up before I go and no stops along the way; I just want to get there and see her. On the way back...I do the driving equivalent of a mosey because, really, what's the hurry?
I told Sainted Mother about Pretty Widow Friend last night and she was supportive too. She told me that she never imagined me dating again because she thought that BW and I would be together forever. But now that BW is gone, she's glad that I am dating and that I've found someone that makes me so happy.
I was talking to Pretty Widow Friend on the phone when the Princesses started asking me questions. I tried to wave them to silence but they weren't to be deterred. I finally said to them, "Hey! I'm trying to talk to my girlfriend!" and they started to really tease me then.
"Oh! So you're in a relationship? What kind of relationship?" and lots of giggles and teasing smirks.
Finally, Youngest Daughters says, "So...you're bf/gf?"
I smiled..."Yep!"
I'm making braised short ribs for dinner tonight; the smell coming from the kitchen is incredible.
These early episodes are a parade of people that appear more like they're vying for a spot in a circus sideshow than on American Idol. Seriously, do they listen to themselves before driving for hundreds of miles and standing for hours in line to get discovered?
After reality comes crashing down around their collective tone-deaf heads, usually in the form of a heartless (but somehow I can't help but laugh) snipe from Simon, they predict that it won't be the last that we hear from them.
I think that could be a show all of its own. Check back in a year on all those contestants that swore, stamped their feet like babies, and promised that we'd see them in the lights and that they'd make it.
Did they get their job back at the local burger joint? Do their friends still think that they're the bomb and nobody sings better than them? Is their rock band ready to move up from free gigs at the Pig Calling Festival to discovery by some music industry mogul? Or, did they get stopped as they walked down the street humming in the distinctly tuneless tone that is all theirs and get offered a music contract on the spot? Yeah!! In your face Simon!!
So, after two hours of viewing we find out how many people got the golden ticket and didn't see a fraction of them perform. This, of course, leads to more tears and heartbreak later in the contest when people start blaming the fact that they didn't get featured and have air time at the beginning as the reason why they're getting voted off...and they may have a point.
Grief does funny things to people. Like any strong emotion it brings out the best and the worst in who you are as a person.
It has the power to transform a positive person, that used to have a love for life, into a bitter and hating person. It can also take that formerly negative soul and leave behind one that is filled with kindness and compassion.
And then there are the ones that feel obligated to control and direct another person's grief. They have become experts at their grief and want to 'share' that with you because...well, now that is their mission in life. To make others 'twice as fit for hell' as they are, to purloin a line from Godspel.
I decided, back in March when Mary died, that I was going to live and not merely exist. It is an active decision because it is too easy to drop into apathy and decide that it would be easier to just stay in bed.
In the widow(er) community we refer to a certain group of people as DGIs (Don't Get It). They're the ones that tell you that you things that show just how clueless they are regarding the loss of a spouse and the grieving process. They'll do things like compare your spouses death to their divorce, or the death of a pet. They'll tell you that you need to wait two years or ask why you're aren't 'out there dating' after two weeks. They just don't get it.
Unfortunately, that class of people exists in the widow community too. They have created a set of rules for themselves and gauge your worthiness for compassion and support by whether you uphold the same grieving standards. And, boy, will they ever let you know if you don't.
Bob...It's Pretty Widow Friend, from the last widow(er) dinner....
This was the opening sentence in a message that I received from PWF. Little did I know what kind of impact that simple meeting and message would have on my life.
I checked out Match and eHarmony with mixed results. I met some nice people and had some nice dates. My original goal was to meet someone, or a couple of someones, and have a dinner date that didn't involve my children or married friends. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and I'm so grateful that I have married friends that have stuck with me and kept me included in their lives. But, once in a while I thought it would be nice to have dinner with someone that wanted to be with me and not know about when it was me and Beautiful Wife. But none of those nice dates ever moved forward to being anything more than that.
A little over three months ago Pretty Widow Friend and I met at a dinner with a dozen fellow widowed people. We sat at opposite ends of the table and other then an initial “hi” and then a “goodbye” at the end of the night we didn't have any contact with each other. I remember thinking that she was pretty and was flattered (still am incredibly flattered!) when she showed an interest in me.
About a month later we started exchanging messages and then talking on the phone. Turns out she lost her husband a month after I lost BW. She understands the grief and how important it is to live life and to live it now. What started out as two people talking about a common type of loss in their lives started to become much more as we got to know each other better.
So now, we're in a relationship and exploring life together as a couple...with all the challenges that will bring, and enjoying those romantic feelings and moments that we thought were lost to us when our spouses left this world. We get along so well, have so much in common, and really enjoy spending time with each other.
I spoke to the Princesses about this last night. I made sure that they knew this was something that their Mom expected and that we had talked about it before she died.
After some good-natured teasing on their parts they told me that they were happy and didn't have a problem with me continuing to see PWF. They love me and just want to see me happy. They asked her age just as we were driving by the cemetery and when I told them that she is thirty-six Princess Youngest Daughter yelled out, "Hey Mom! Are you listening to this?" And then the teasing started all over again.
I met PWF's best friend and passed with flying colors. When I told the Princesses this they said, "Way to go! You have to get the best friend's approval if it is going to last!" LOL It is funny to see them put their high school spin on a grown-up romance.
It is with some concern that I post this entry. I know that this might be a difficult thing to read if you knew Beautiful Wife. But, it is part of my life that is so good for me and I want to write about it and share those feelings like I've shared so many other parts of my life.
Geo - :)
Denise - It is a beautiful thing. :)
Heidi - You guys will get to meet her sometime in the near future and I know she's looking forward to it.
Ash - I'm glad this post made your day. I loved your story about dating advice for your dad. I've already gotten a couple of music tips from Youngest Daughter.
Xianfern - Thanks! We both feel pretty lucky right now!
Christine - It is nice to have good things happening after the last couple of years.
Heather Anne - Thanks! The daughters are amazing and I'm so glad that they took the news so well.
Antipo - Flirt? Me flirt?!?!?
Chosen - Flirt? Me flirt?!?!!? Not that there's anything wrong with that!
Leigh - Thanks for the luck!
I'll state my Winter philosophies once again: If it is going to be cold, then let it snow AND if it is going to snow, let it be a lot!
I love everything about the first snow...Sounds are muffled; Hot tea waits for me after I finish the shoveling; Evergreens droop under the weight; Long walks seem short as it slowly falls from the sky.
But so far...it is brown...very brown...not that I mind brown...but when you're wanting it to snow...brown seems...well, it seems very brown.
Check back here after we get a ton of snow and I just spent four hours chipping ice or something fun like that. I'm sure that I'll gladly kiss the brown and write instead about how much I'm looking forward to the green of Spring.
Oh, and I've decided that I need to start using the semi-colon when I write. I'm not sure if I used it correctly, but use it I did and I'm darn proud of myself!
I can't believe that it was in the high 60s this weekend! It was a little chillier last night when I cooked on the grill but I'm pretty sure there was snow on the ground when I was doing this last year.
Last year we were also waiting on pins and needles for the results of the biopsy that we were sure was cancer. Even though Mary knew how awful chemo could be she was ready to start it up again if it meant that she would live. But what an awful prospect that was for her, even drugged, to face chemo again.
So now, I'm reliving the beginning of the end for my dear, sweet Mary. We didn't know it at the time but even then cancer was rapidly invading her body. We wouldn't know for another month or so that there was nothing else to do but prepare for her death.
So life went on...I took pictures, worked on clearing ice from the driveway, and dealt with cruel and insensitive relatives. I bet that Mary's sister looks back on that time and wishes she had lived her life differently and treated her sister in a much kinder and compassionate way.
Thus, my life lessons; don't wait to live and don't assume that you have forever to make things right with the ones that you love. In some ways we were lucky, we knew that Mary's end was near and had time to make things right and let her know how much she was loved and would be missed.
But for a while, we lived in blissful ignorance and assumed Mary would face another battle and win.
I was having to drive a lot of miles each week and spending a lot more time away from home than was good for me and the girls. So, I've accepted a new role, within the same company, that is demanding and high stress but I've had an immediate impact and am part of an excellent team.
The down side is that I'm busy all day, and I may have to start working in some nights and weekends. The plus side is that it will be an excellent sales year and I'm doing this extra work from home instead of spending all that time in a car.