7 Kids, 2 grandkids, 1 on-the-way, 2 cats, Mom, and Dad

Been years since I've done this or CHMOD me baby!

I was trying to install some software on my iMac and got a bizarre permissions type error. I checked the software's website and they had a fix for it that involved a terminal session and some Unix commands. If you asked me to tell you things I'd be doing with my iMac over the next year I can guarantee you that it wouldn't have been that!

Here's a picture I took with my new Nikon CoolPix P3. Someone had mentioned that their forsythia was finally blooming and I thought I'd show how far behind things are here in New Hampshire.

Don't lie or Oh my!

Shakira was on American Idol last night and she performed the song Hips Don't Lie. I was immediately a fan. :)

But what is up with Katherine being in the bottom three?!?!!? Sheesh!

Another dream or You must think I'm crazy.

So, in one post I say boobs will make me feel better and then I have dreams like this one I had last night.

I was at the wake because the casket was open. I went to touch Mary's hand and it was warm so I started to say something. Mary told me not to say anything because she couldn't stay for long but only came back so that she could hold me one more time. As I hugged her the dream switched to something else but I don't remember what.

Who you going to call or Say again?

I had a sudden cough caused by unexpectedly choking on my own spit today. Middle Daughter heard me and when I came out of the bathroom she was ready to spring into action.

She was going to call 911 because I'm "so big that there's no way I could do the Heimlich Remover on you!"

Playing with new iMac or What to do while on a conference call.

Weird dreams or Am I trying to convince myself?

I had a strange dream the other night. I walked into a jewelry store and when I approached the counter a beautiful woman came up to wait on me.

She asked if she could help me and I told her I was there to buy something for my wife. Suddenly, I said to myself in the dream "Wait a minute! Mary's dead!" and then I woke up.

I'm not delusional, but I get the feeling that she's going to walk in the door or call me up and we'll pick up where we left off when this all started a year and a half ago.

On the other hand, I look around me and know that Mary wanted me to go on living and I've started to do that too. I moved our bed, bought new sheets, and I'm planning a family vacation for July.

But it all just doesn't seem real...

Great idea or My friends came up with this suggestion.

One thing that is bound to cheer me up is pictures of your breasts in my email inbox. One reader didn't know my email address so I'm putting it right here because I'd hate for boob pictures to not be delivered for such a mundane reason.

a4kidsmomndad@mac.com

Not to put too fine a point on it or Gotta love the government.

I went to an appointment at the Social Security office today in order to file for benefits for Middle and Youngest Daughters. Beautiful Wife didn't work a lot outside of the home, but they still get a nice monthly benefit for what she did do during her life.

Anyway, as I'm sitting there going over the paperwork I noticed the following two lines...

Date of Marriage: August 13, 1983
Marriage ended by Death: March 5, 2006

We dealt with stress, money problems, raising four children...and we were able to find a way to stick together...but death, we couldn't find a way around that one.

I'm not frah-jee-lay or I like to talk.

Please, feel free to call me or send me an email and ask how things are going. I'm typically pretty hard to offend and I'll let you know that I need space by not answering the phone or responding to your email. :)

What to do or I must be forgetting something.

I seem to have so much 'free' time in my life right now. I get to then end of the day and sometimes I feel like I must have forgotten something since I have time to sit down, watch TV, and maybe even read some of my book and still be turning off the lights by 11:30pm.

Two weeks or it has been a blur

Mary came home on a Friday, made her way upstairs with my help, and never went back down the stairs again. She lived for three weeks and two days after she made that trip upstairs and that time lasted forever and flew by all at once.

Our lives are geared, for the most part, to improving and moving forward. Taking care of a terminal patient is a series of milestones but they all involve things getting worse. Staying upstairs, needing oxygen, not getting out of the bed...all we're awful milestones and steps toward the inevitable.

Through it all I had to be cheerful, yet realistic...gentle, yet firm when it was time for medication...loving with all my heart while it broke...and clinging while having to be willing to let her go.

Mary's been gone for two weeks now and it doesn't seem possible or real.

I made dinner tonight and realized that it was one of those things that I'd been avoiding. As long as we were reheating meals that someone delivered or eating out this all seemed temporary. This is what I'd do if Mary went away with her sisters or when she was in the hospital. But she's not coming back so I defrosted a steak, cooked it on the grill, and made us dinner.

When you haven't had much to drink...

I went out with Good Friend and his wife the other night to see V is Vendetta. On the way, we stopped at 43 Degrees North for dinner.

I had a cocktail, one glass of wine, and a small glass of grappa at the end of the dinner and I was hammered!

Fortunately, he was driving so I had the nearly 3 hour long movie to sober up before having to drive home.

The meal was awesome, and they were great company. My only regret for the evening was that Natalie Portman didn't get naked in the movie. Oh well, can't have everything I suppose...

And as for the kids

They are enjoying daddy's spending ways. Youngest Daughter asked for a new cell phone last night so I took her out and bought her a pink motorola razor. She's thinking that she's way cool now.

I think the fact that her sisters were 'going to be way jealous' was as much a driver as the pink color.

Dealing with Grief

I'm dealing with my grief by spending money on stuff. I bought a new coffee pot last night at a Starbucks grand opening because Good Friend recommended it.

I bought an iMac the day before because I wanted a place to put all of our pictures and music besides my work laptop.

I don't feel any better but at least I have cool new things to keep me busy.

Witness to my life

I was reading a pamphlet called "Going On...A Pathway Through Sorrow" by Jane Woods Shoemaker that was sent to me by the insurance company.

She speaks about the feelings of aloneness for the recently widowed no matter how attentive friends and family are, whether you have children at home or not, or how busy you keep yourself.

She writes:

You feel lost, and in a way, you are. What direction do you take now that you have lost the witness to your life, and one of your most significant roles, that of being a husband or wife?

This is exactly how I've been feeling. We had a plan that extended into the future with the assumption that we'd both see our kids grow up and start their lives, travel together to all the places we always wanted to go and some day, when we were 'old', one of us would die and the other wouldn't be far behind.

Now, I don't know what to do. Oh, I know that my kids need me and that I'll be filling the role of daddy and mommy for them. I know that I have friends and family that love me and will be there for me too. Still...I've spent more than half of my life with Mary and my mind isn't able to conceive yet a future without her.

Thank you

Many of you sent flowers, cards, emails, and made posts to my blog after the recent loss of my beautiful wife, Mary.

Answering each one is beyond me right now, so please accept this with my heartfelt thanks.

Love,
Bob

Things said in passing...

When I told one sister-in-law that Mary was unresponsive and appeared to be in a coma she asked "Did you have her declared in a coma?" and then followed up with "Well, what about the catheter?"

I still haven't figured out why either question was asked other than it was probably being discussed at the outlaws where my status vacillated between villain (told them they had to leave or couldn't visit because Mary needed rest) or folk hero (did all the care giving that they couldn't or were afraid to do).

After the funeral many people went back to the church for food and drink. I was sitting with my relatives from PA when a local friend came up to give me a hug. I only see my PA relatives rarely (weddings and funerals) and the look on their faces was priceless when my friend said, "Here's a hug for now and when you're ready for something more you can have your daughters drop you off at my house and we'll drink lots of red wine together."

I know she didn't mean it the way that it sounded but the memory of the look on their faces still makes me laugh.

My love and my life

Mary passed away this morning. She was at peace, didn't suffer, and died at home which is all that she wanted. She waited until the kids left the house for breakfast before deciding it was time to go. She had been in a coma since yesterday afternoon but timed her death so that it would have the least impact on her children. Even in the final stages of life she was the epitome of love, grace, and kindness.