I stopped by to visit Sainted Mother last night at her home. I wanted to drop off a check for her in celebration of Random Acts of Kindness Week. She had recently purchased a hearing aid and it has made a HUGE difference in her life and interactions with us when we visit.
She started to be in her own little world and realized it was because she couldn't hear what was going on around her. Since the hearing aid was costly (around $1500) I gave her $250 to help defray that cost. One note, I'm not mentioning how much it was or what I gave her so you'll think I'm wonderful. It is only so that I have the numbers when trying to remember it 3-4 years from now. LOL
Anyway, I sat down to talk with her a while instead of randomly tossing the check in her direction and walking out the door. We had the following conversation:
Sainted Mother (SM): I don't think you should go to Italy with PWGF.
Me: What?
*side note: This was her conversation starter and came out of nowhere. We were discussing Italy at my birthday a week ago and I mentioned that some day I'd like to go there with PWGF because she's always wanted to go too. Obviously, this has been a bee in SM's bonnet since then. She's probably discussed this ad nauseam with my sisters and had built up a good amount of self-righteous steam.
SM: BW always wanted to go and didn't get to go so you shouldn't take PWGF.
Me: So, I should never go to Italy?
SM: Well, there are tons of other countries that you and PWGF can visit.
Me: Just never Italy?
SM: Well, you can go by yourself or take your mother-in-law.
*side note: Right, my MIL...she meant that I could take her but was trying to be the saintly, only-trying-to-do-the-right-thing mother so she couldn't say that.
Me: *snorting through nose* Yeah, that will happen. I'm certain that BW would be happy that I had someone to go to Italy with and be happy for me.
SM: No, I'm speaking for her and she wouldn't want you to take another woman!
Me: You're speaking for her?
SM: Yes, and she wouldn't want you to go.
Me: I think 25 years of being with someone makes me the expert in all things concerning BW and I'll be the one that decides what she would have wanted.
SM: Well, I'm just saying...blah blah blah
After that I still gave her the check (maybe I'm the saint?) and then went home. I told Middle and Youngest Daughters what happened and they were astonished. They both agreed that Mommy would never want me to make that trip alone and that she'd be thrilled that I could make that trip with someone that means as much to me as PWGF.
Using memories of BW or trying to "channel her" in order to make your point or get your way is not cool. I was married to her for almost 23 years and I've never done that to anyone so what gives someone else license to do that to me? It is the one argument that can be made that hits below the belt and is impossible to fight unless you have a strong sense of yourself and of the one you lost.
Fortunately, I have a strong sense of myself, know what BW was like and what she'd do to make me happy, and the support of my kids. They know that Mommy would be happy for me and they want that for me too.
Posted by bbarton at February 19, 2007 10:20 AM