Having PWGF in my life has made things so much better than it would have been alone. But it isn't just companionship that matters, it is the fact that we understand what is going on in each other's lives and can be supportive when it matters most. The incredible gift of her friendship and love is one that brightens my day and has given me hope.
But, back to the book...
My co-worker mentioned that nobody really knew what to do when BW was sick. People didn't want to intrude and so they ended up doing nothing. She relayed a story about helping someone in her neighborhood and how they decorated her house for Christmas as a surprise for when she returned home after attending her father's funeral.
"THAT!" I said, "Is exactly the type of help that I would have loved having when this all went on with Mary!"
I wanted someone that would have raked the leaves, shoveled the driveway and steps, vacuumed, did the dishes, or any of a multitude of tasks and just did it without being asked, scheduled, or told. Because, really, the hardest thing to do was to ask for help. My life was spinning out of control and I felt like I was barely holding it together. Asking for help was impossibly daunting.
What if I asked someone to help and they couldn't? I didn't want to make someone feel guilty, or put them in an awkward spot, so I didn't. Instead, I did it all and somehow managed to avoid a breakdown...barely.
That's when I said, "I should write a book."
And please believe me when I say that this wasn't meant as a complaint against any of you, my friends. I can see how most of you would have thought the same thing, that all the family that showed up each day was helping me with all those tasks.
Instead, they visited and left dirty dishes, fast food trash, and one time even all the carcasses and butter after a lobster feed that they had while at my house.
I guess they figured the cleaning fairy visited each night and left the house the spotless way they found it when they descended, like locusts, the next day.
Posted by bbarton at February 2, 2007 10:02 AMWhoops! And also, I think you absolutely should write a book so people (like me) would have a clue about how to help a friend/family member going through such a dark time...I have two friends who live closeby who have also lost a spouse in the past year, and I often wish I knew JUST what to do to make their lives easier/better/less stressful...write the book!!
Posted by: Alison on February 2, 2007 10:44 AMi agree about the book. i know that i would have gladly dropped anything in my life to help out. i guess i erroneously assumed with all the family trucking in/out that stuff like that *was* being taken care of. i remember thinking of coming over with a christmas tree and decorations the first christmas that Mary was sick.
Posted by: heidi on February 2, 2007 01:10 PMAlison - Feel free to call me next week!
Heidi - I know you would have done anything for us Heidi and I also understand how it would appear that we'd be all set with the number of relatives that camped out here on a daily basis. Your visits with Randy cheered Mary up a lot and I enjoyed the baked goods you brought when you did. :)
Posted by: Bob on February 2, 2007 04:06 PMI think the book would be a WONDERFUL idea....and I would NEVER think of leaving my trash behind!
Posted by: ibeejd on February 2, 2007 07:53 PMI think this is a great idea, even if for entirely selfish reasons. My friend is going through what looks to be six chemo sessions plus an amputation of his thumb. On top of that, they were dealing with a "getting complicated" pregnancy expecting their first child. His organs aren't handling one of the chemos well so they're going to change one of them and that will require that he be gone 3 nights as he's having treatment two hours away.
I've known him since first grade, and feel embarrassed that I don't know what to do. We live 10 minutes from each other, and I want to check on them, shovel the drive, help clean etc. but when I talk to him the answer is always "you don't need to do that". Do I press on, despite the resistance?
Posted by: Jim on February 4, 2007 09:32 AM
Bob, I'm so happy that things are going so well for you and PWGF! I feel happier vicariously by reading your most recent entries. Hope you guys have a fabulous wkend and that all goes well when your sweet girls meet your new girlfriend! Can I call you next week and chat?
Posted by: Alison on February 2, 2007 10:40 AM