I stopped by to visit Mary's grave today. I see it every day and blow a kiss to her when I go past. About once a week I drive in and check things out. Sometimes a flower pot will have tipped over, or the grass needs to be pulled because they can't get closer with the lawn mower because of the flowers, or someone left something and I try to figure out who might have done that and what it meant to them, and her.
Anyway, I did a little straightening and had a running one-sided conversation with Mary. Fall was our time. The kids would be back in school and I would drive Mary to work a few days a week. She liked it because we'd stop for breakfast in town and then I'd drop her off at her office so that she didn't have to walk from some far-away parking lot.
She spent so many years at home taking care of our children and I spent so much time away earning a living so that we'd make ends meet in our home. She was now in the work force and gaining valuable experience about what that was like, and I was working from home and getting kids on the bus and greeting them after school.
We'd sit in the restaurant having breakfast and share our new perspectives with each other. We would talk about the kids, the house, and then our plans for the future. We'd talk about where we wanted to travel and the things we wanted to do. It was our time to reconnect as a couple.
And now...I'm in that future alone. Our plans never made it as far as buying burial plots and having our names carved on a headstone but that's what we have now.
I'd love to wake up clutching the bed curtains and find out that it isn't too late to change...but the reality is that life ended for Mary on March 5, 2006 and mine continued forward without her.
But I try to not complain or feel sorry for myself, even in my mind, because I know that if Mary could hear she'd feel bad. Cancer and dying isn't something that she did to me, it just happened.
So I smile, kiss my hand and press it to her headstone, and tell her that I love her and miss her very much. And then I go on my way to an unplanned future.
Posted by bbarton at September 26, 2006 01:37 PMwe all miss her, Bob. I had a dream a few nights ago and you both were in it. It was very fleeting. All i can remember is that Mary had long hair and she was smiling, smiling, smiling.
Posted by: Heidi on September 26, 2006 07:46 PMPurring - On my way!
Heidi - Thanks! She was a smiling type of person and I'm glad you remember her that way. :)
Posted by: Bob on September 26, 2006 11:24 PMYour writing about your relationship with your wife and how much you love her was so touching to me. Knowing that love can be so lasting and steady and deep and strong for other people always gives me hope.
Thank you for sharing this.
Posted by: sheryl on October 4, 2006 07:04 PMSheryl - Thanks for your kind words and for stopping by to visit.
Posted by: Bob on October 4, 2006 11:07 PM
Bob~Come visit me!
Posted by: Purring on September 26, 2006 03:34 PM