How am I really? Each day is different and challenging in its own way.
Some days I can't listen to music, at all, because the associations with different times in our lives is too strong.
Some days I want to be left alone and others I want to be out and doing something just to not face being in the house any more.
Spring is hard. As the flowers start to bloom I can't help but think how excited Mary got about this time of year. She would start wondering right about now if she should start some plants indoors and what she wanted to do this year with her garden.
She'd also start thinking about Summer, and how much fun it was going to be at the beach, lake, or her parent's cabin.
I know she's gone, but the impact and reality of it doesn't seem real. I find myself having fun at times but I'm watching myself like an out-of-body experience and asking how it is possible. At other times I'm overwhelmed with grief but try not to wallow in pity.
I drive by her grave every day. That's where we put her body but that's not where she is right now. She's in me, the children, other's memories of her, in her flower beds, and she permeates our home.
Soo...that's how I'm doing.
Posted by bbarton at April 21, 2006 05:33 PM
It never seems real. But she is; in you. Hard when you want/crave/long for the physical reality instead. You're doing so well. But that doesn't help either. Just go where you need on any day. (Writers stand back and write about it but that's not always such a good thing.) And why shouldn't you have fun -if it doesn't seem real that figures. But it's still fun. Good luck to middle daughter in France by the way. Hope she has a wonderful time. But warn her the Riviera/Mediterranean at this time of year is COLD!
Posted by: grannyp on April 22, 2006 04:39 AM