Mary came home on a Friday, made her way upstairs with my help, and never went back down the stairs again. She lived for three weeks and two days after she made that trip upstairs and that time lasted forever and flew by all at once.
Our lives are geared, for the most part, to improving and moving forward. Taking care of a terminal patient is a series of milestones but they all involve things getting worse. Staying upstairs, needing oxygen, not getting out of the bed...all we're awful milestones and steps toward the inevitable.
Through it all I had to be cheerful, yet realistic...gentle, yet firm when it was time for medication...loving with all my heart while it broke...and clinging while having to be willing to let her go.
Mary's been gone for two weeks now and it doesn't seem possible or real.
I made dinner tonight and realized that it was one of those things that I'd been avoiding. As long as we were reheating meals that someone delivered or eating out this all seemed temporary. This is what I'd do if Mary went away with her sisters or when she was in the hospital. But she's not coming back so I defrosted a steak, cooked it on the grill, and made us dinner.
Posted by bbarton at March 19, 2006 10:16 PMOh yes. Me too. GP always says it so well.
Thinking of you Bob.
Posted by: Caroline on March 20, 2006 04:52 AM"...loving with all my heart while it broke...and clinging while having to be willing to let her go."
Soooo eloquent. Beautifully put.
Posted by: kari on March 20, 2006 10:16 AMYou know, I can remember when my mom died like it was yesterday and at times it seems so surreal and so far away. You are in my thoughts doll. I would like to say it gets easier, but I find it just gets different. You know those kids are lucky to have a Dad so dedicated to being there for them even while having to deal with his own loss. Man, what a friggin' suck ass year.
Posted by: Katy on March 20, 2006 10:59 AM
Yes, back to normality; except it isn't normal. Brave man - you describe it well. I think of you, broken heart and all. Hugs.
Posted by: grannyp on March 20, 2006 03:15 AM