I was thinking about the people I've seen during our time at the clinic so far. Each patient has a smile or small wave for us and some share tidbits of advice about topics ranging from constipation to the cost of prescriptions. When they are in the treatment bed they almost always have an introspective look about them that reminds you of the seriousness of what is going on there. Every one of them is in a fight to defeat cancer. Some are only hoping to improve their quality of life while some, like Beautiful Wife, hope to eradicate it from their body. All are determined and take the fight seriously.
The caregivers are on the front lines as the buffer for the patient. The patient puts their energy into the fight, the caregiver is there to battle anything that affects their loved one's ability to fight. Sometimes the battle is as simple as finding salt & vinegar chips because that is what their loved one wants. I was getting coffee and a mother came to the coffee shop in tears because the machine took her money but didn't give her the chips that her daughter undergoing treatment wanted. I went with her to the machine and after some coaxing with additional money and a few judicious "taps" of my fist the machine gave up and delivered the chips. Now, when I see that mother, we share a quick smile of a battle won, even though it was only for a bag of chips.
As a caregiver you become efficient in the battles and are less willing to give the benefit-of-the-doubt, bite your tongue, or worry about hurting anyone's feelings. You are in a battle against cancer and your loved one is the prize. Everything else pales in comparison and social niceties no longer matter when faced with such a ruthless assailant.
However, a caregiver has to learn to be gracious and accept help when it is offered. I still find it difficult to reach out and ask for help but I've become better at accepting it when it is offered. Every act of kindness helps me to not become so hard that I feel nothing at all. It injects humanity into an inhumane process and helps me to remember what the fight is about. I don't fight so that I can beat the doctors into the ground or offend family members, I fight so that Beautiful Wife can end these treatments cancer-free and go to Disney, Italy, and France with me...so that we can walk in the snow...something she loves but that we can't do even though it blankets the ground where we live.
Thanks, Katia. I'm trying not to burn out...I'm going to bed tonight and not doing the dishes!
Posted by: Bob on February 3, 2005 09:11 PM
I think you've hit the nail on the head with the role of the caregiver. I volunteered for a long time with cancer patients and their families, and i think it boils down to recognising, accepting and understanding when you need to stop for awhile and let someone else help. After all, you don't want to burn out either.
Posted by: Katia on February 3, 2005 03:42 PMI wish your family all the best.