6 Kids, 3 cats, 1 dog, Mom, and Dad

I never grieved or My father has been dead for six years.

When he died Beautiful Wife waited for me to grieve and I never really did. I think I slowly grieved and let him go over the years growing up and especially after I got out of the Army and moved back to NH with my young family. His physical departure matched what had already happened emotionally.

His friends, the newest woman in his life, and his life at the American Legion always took precedence over his family. We'd maybe see him once every six months or so and then only for a short period of time. Many times the only reason I'd hear from him was because he needed something.

I tried to be more involved with his life but nothing I did really seemed to matter. He actually told me once that I should leave Youngest Son at home when I visited him because I needed a break from my kids. I explained to him that I didn't see them much during the week and that I looked forward to spending time with them on the weekend. He never got that.

Once I realized that all my efforts didn't really matter to him the idea of guilt and grief ceased to exist.

There are some good memories about him, but I don't imagine I'll break down anytime soon.

What brought this up? My grandfather just got out of the hospital after being treated for five days for pneumonia. He actually told me once that I couldn't visit him while on a business trip because he had some friends coming over for a poker game and was going to Atlantic City the next day on a senior center trip. He had already paid $5 for the ticket. It is always a watershed moment when you realize the worth of your company. It appears the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I'll be sad when he dies but the grieving has already happened over many years and I don't think I have that much more to go.

My hope is that I'll be a better father and grandfather to my kids and theirs.

Posted by bbarton at May 19, 2004 04:40 PM